Step 1

"We admitted we were powerless over ________, that our lives had become unmanageable."

Most of us can think back to a time in our lives when we felt powerless over something. Step One invites us to conclude that the idea that we can successfully drink and/or use must be smashed completely. This can seem like a mountain, but our addictions had progressed to such a place, that we could no longer bury our heads in the sand and ignore the destruction around us. How many times had we sworn that we would only drink or drug, "this one time?" How many times have we said to ourselves, "but this time will be different," only to end up in the same place, if not worse, time after time.

When faced with our own powerlessness, many of us rebelled against the thought. "I can do this on my own," we assured our families. "I can stop anytime I want," we cried out in resistance. But when we had come to the seemingly lonely road without drink or our drugs, we clung to them in self-defense with a whisper, "if you only knew what I have been through, you would drink/use too." Back to the shadows we crawled, with heavy hearts, convincing ourselves that this abyss was all we were ever going to be. Full of fear, shame, guilt, and scores of other emotions, we felt defeated. But therein lies our hope. 

Alcohol and drugs were our master, some of us knew this for a long time. But what could we do about it? When introduced to 12-Step meetings, here we laid before us a group of individuals who were seemingly happy. A joyful and laughing bunch, most of us walked into those meetings and gawked at their optimism. "How could they be so happy?" After spending some time in these rooms, we began to realize that these people were just like us. They too had walked into these rooms, broken and beaten down, but had been willing to do whatever it took to stay sober.

Most of us know when our lives have become unmanageable. Everyone has different levels of tolerance to pain, and we move at the speed of the pain. Once the pain gets great enough, that is when we finally do something about it. But when do we reach that point? When are we finally ready?

The answer to that question lies in each one of ourselves. Only we truly know when we are done.

So, were we hopeless? No. Maybe society had deemed us so, maybe our families had given up on us. Maybe we had fallen down the scale and our lives lay in so much ruin and destruction that we had no idea what else to do but to surrender. Surrender to the idea that we were not like others who could drink and use "normally." Surrender to the knowing that we were alcoholics and addicts whose lives had become completely unmanageable. That we had to give up the illusion of control. There begins our hope. 

-Allie Miller, Peer Specialist